Rachel Troublefield

"there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people. . ." -vincent van gogh

Hungry

I'm hungry. Are you hungry? And not for food. Although, now that I think about it I AM kinda hungry for some of that too.  

Today's Jesus Calling 12.17
"Come to Me with your gaping emptiness (i feel that), knowing that in Me you are complete. (i don't so much feel THAT). As you rest quietly in my Presence (not good at that), My Light within you grows brighter and brighter (and then gets dimmed by a packed subway car and someone touching my butt). Facing the emptiness inside you is simply the prelude to being filled with My fullness. (that's good news) Therefore, rejoice (say what?!)  on those days when you drag yourself out of bed, feeling sluggish and inadequate. (today) Tell yourself that this is a perfect day to depend on Me in childlike trust. (Spirit, help me) If you persevere in this dependence as you go through the day, you will discover at bedtime Joy and Peace have become your companions.(ahhhh friends) You may not realize at what point they joined you on your journey, but you will feel the beneficial effects of their presence.  The perfect end to such a day is a doxology of gratitude.  I am He from whom all blessings flow!" 

Today, I wasn't perfect in depending on Jesus for every move and every thought and every choice.  I'll admit it.  I am a very independent woman and dependence is not easy for me.  But I know Jesus's Spirit was with me all day.  And tomorrow I get to try again.  And I'm still hungry for Jesus, which is proof of the Spirit.  And that is good news. 

12.12.15

Fair thee well, young sailor.
Fair thee well.
On to the mountains you go.
Into the city you throw
yourself because you're not quite sure
what else to do.
Because you're not quite sure which you
is you
and which place you can be in for a spell.
Each town has cast its spell on your heart.
Each land has a piece and a part.
The patterns you've walked, 
the trail ways you've left.
The adventures you dreamed but never
did.
The explorations you've left undone.
The words never spoken.
The loves never loved. 
The life that you're living, you've only got
one. 
So do it now. 
Do it true.
Make a decision.
Simply
Choose. 
To the water. 
To the hills. 
To the city.
Or standing
Still. 

Call Me Maybe

I wrote Call Me Maybe after going to see a movie and my friend was in it.
 I don’t know if I can still call him my friend because we haven’t spoken in a while.  
It’s not that we haven’t spoken for any heartbreaking reason, it’s just that our lives have grown apart.

 We took acting class together. Actually he was my first acting partner in New York.  He holds a special place in my heart, not just because of that, but because he’s a great guy.  We really connected as friends.  I felt like I could talk to him about whatever.  We hold totally different belief systems but our souls still spoke a similar language.  We did scenes together, chatted together, dreamed about where our lives would take us.  

At the time I didn’t know my life would take me into pursuing music full time.  I DID know that he would be acting, and very successfully, sooner rather than later.  

It was a summer day. A Monday. I had just finished tracking some vocals for my Brooklyn Dark EP.  It was a super muggy day.  It was sunny but also raining.  One of those days.  

I went to Whole Foods and got some gluten-free pretzels and a pint of So Delicious brand Almond Milk ice cream and headed to the movies with the my goodies tucked deep in my bag :) 

Suddenly on the screen was his face. IT WAS MATT’S FACE!!  I was so happy!  I was looking around for people to be happy with but since I mostly go to the movies by myself (especially on a Monday in the middle of the day) there was no one.  So I sat back and watched and thoroughly enjoyed my the film. My friend. My first guy friend in the city.  My first acting partner.  And I’ll admit it, my first New York crush CRUSH it on the silver screen.  He was amazing.  The part was perfect for him.  I laughed way too loud at his lines and even cried tears of joy.  I knew it would happen.  I’m so glad it happened.  

I would love to see him again.  He’s not a Facebooker.  I wonder if his number is the same? Or his email address?  Is that too stalker-esque? 

This Is Stupid

This is Stupid is about me. Feeling stupid. 

Well, kind of. 

It’s about me being awkward.  Which is a pretty usual state of being for me.

In college I had MAJOR feelings for this guy who will remain unnamed.  Actually let’s call him “Hal” (No his name is not really “Hal". Yes this IS the code-name my friend Brittany and I gave him just in case he snuck up on us mid chat-sesh about him.)
It was a very strange and confusing relationship.  

We never dated. 

I never wanted him to actually know that I was into him. 

Kind of dumb, right? 

I was like whatever, I’ll probably never see him again. It’s cool, no big deal. (Except that I did think it was a big deal because I was really into this guy.) 

Fast forward to last year when I wrote this song, "This Is Stupid”.  
I got wind that “Hal”  had moved to New York.  And I was like “Oh H no!. . .Great, just when I thought I totally forgotten about him". . .

Then I heard he was going to be at this event I was going to and again I thought "OH H NO!" (H stands for heck or hell or hail or whatever you’d like it to that is generally appropriate. I can’t think of a word beginning with “H” that isn’t appropriate, although,  I’m sure there is.) 

I didn’t want to see him. 

But I did want to see him. 

So I got awkward and shy and cared way too much about what I was wearing and what I looked like and what I would say if I saw him. 

I didn’t see him. 

I actually JUST missed him.  

God’s protection? 

Anyway, I wrote this song for all those times that I and you feel like we are still 14 and have to wear your retainer to school.  For all those times you feel really cute with your new lipstick but are constantly wondering if it’s on your teeth.  When you have these feelings but you’re mad at your feelings and you feel stupid and it’s stupid that you feel stupid because you’re supposed to be an adult and stuff and. . . THIS IS STUPID.  

 

-Rachel Troublefield. 

Winding Road. . .a song.

Hey all!  This is a song I wrote when I was back at my parents' house in Greenville South Carolina.  I wrote it either the day before or the day of my trampoline/sprained ankle incident. The days started blurring together pretty quick after that.

This line came to me a few days before, "it's a winding road you can't turn around on".  The image in my mind being an old car going up this hill and realizing that it's really hard to drive this road but once you're on it there's no turning back.

 It's kind of like life, right?  Life is a winding road.  Sometimes the road is level and you're cruising listening to your favorite song and singing along and sometimes it's all uphill and it's really tough.  But you can't turn around--you have to keep going forward to find your place.  Sometimes too, in life, I feel like I have to know exactly where I'm going or what my next move is--but that's not exactly the case most of the time.  I don't always know the next step.  That's scary.  But I think it's also really good sometimes.  We are all in this life, just figuring it out as we go.  Together.  

I hope you like the song!  Let me know what you think! 

sprained ankle and the idolatry of doing. . .

A little over a week ago I sprained my ankle.  Real bad.  I was in my hometown, Greenville, South Carolina, celebrating my best friend's birthday at a place called SkyZone.  

I had never heard of SkyZone before, and when another friend asked my about it a few days earlier, I thought it was some sort of indoor sky-diving place.  An anti-gravity something or other. I was wrong but kept hearing about this place over and over.  Then, my friend, Caroline, was talking about what to do for her birthday--she wanted something fun and playful; something to make her feel like a kid again since turning 26 is so super old. . .she's crazy.  We all are.  She mentioned SkyZone, an indoor trampoline park. 

Cue angels singing Ahhhhhh.  I.Love.Trampolines. 

Growing up we had the little trampolines that are good for working out and/or incorporating in your dance routines that you perform for your parents, but my mom and dad were never too keen on the big ones, thinking they are dangerous and what not.  I obviously disagreed and had years of track records jumping on friends' trampolines to prove they are safe.  In fact, I have always said if and when I ever make it down to Nashville to live, my first purchase will be a big, outdoor trampoline because: Trampoline = Instant Friends.

So here we are at an indoor trampoline park with so many choices of where to jump.  It was so much fun, and quite a workout.  My friends and I were jumping and laughing and breathing super heavily.  We were playing basketball and I was actually getting the ball into the hoop. We were jumping into the foam pit.  We were playing follow the leader. . .uh oh.  30 minutes of pure  child-like fun and then it happened.  The fatal (okay that's dramatic--I'm alive and fairly well) jump. I landed only on my right foot.  My ankle rolled.  I heard something pop.  I fell, yelled out that I was fine, and then my foot started shaking uncontrollably. I was not fine.  My lovely, sweaty, and super strong friends carried me to the side where the guys took my info, took my picture (much to my chagrin) and iced my ankle.  

That night I drank two glasses of red wine and took three ibuprofen.  My dad yelled at me.  Apparently that's not the greatest idea but hey, the pain went away for about 2 hours.  The next day I went to the Doctor Express.  Express is right.  I saw him for a combined three minutes.  He came in and told me I had to get x-rays. After he came in and said it was sprained.  Well, thank you, sir.  Here is my money.  Have a great day.  

That day I watched about 5 hours of the show Nashville and it was awesome. I thought I'd be up and at 'em within the next day or two.  I was wrong.  I had never sprained my ankle before so I had no clue what I was getting into.  The swelling.  The bruising.  The inability to walk.  I got a boot and it made things a little easier.  My mom took me shopping and pushed me around in a wheel chair and we laughed.  

But I wanted to walk.  I wanted to drive.  I wanted to be independent. I wanted to DO.  I WANT to DO.    

People have been very nice.  Sometimes, though, for those of us that have an independent streak a mile deep, that niceness can just perpetuate the feeling sorry for ourselves that we are already experiencing.  I went away for a weekend while I was in SC and my wonderful friends were so good about taking care of me and checking in on me, driving me, checking in on me.  Thank you, but I'm fine--even though I wasn't.  

I have been back in New York now for 3 days.  Yesterday I walked to get a coffee and it wasn't easy.  Today I had to turn down spending time with a baby friend that I LOVE because I can't really climb four flights.  I've done a lot of sitting.  A lot of listening to music.  A lot of catching up on Netflix and Hulu.  Some reading.  Not that much praying.  I'm annoyed.  And who do I take it out on? God.  It's not right.  But it's the truth.  I know He's going to tell me to depend on Him, that I'm fine, that this is part of His plan, to enjoy this opportunity to rest.  All things I don't really feel like hearing.  

But today I was reading today's Jesus Calling and it was so spot on, I had to give in.  I know this is a very long post, but I will share the devotion and some thoughts I had while reading anyway:

"Do not resist or run from the difficulties in your life. (don't worry Father, I can't exactly run at all) These problems are not random mistakes; they are hand-tailored blessings designed for your benefit and growth. (what? thanks, so much, for this "blessing" Papa) Embrace all the circumstances that I allow in your life, trusting Me to bring good out of them. (okay okay, I DO trust You. . .for the most part.) View problems as opportunities to rely more fully on Me. (oh.) 
      When you start to feel stressed, let those feelings alert you to your need for Me. (if I just needed You, I'd be fine, but I feel sooo needy to everyone right now and I don't like that.) Thus, your needs become doorways to deep dependence on Me and increasing intimacy between us. (oh right.  that's what You desire.  intimacy.  not me wallowing alone but wallowing to You. and You being able to comfort and use my time wisely because I am open to your Presence.) Although self-sufficiency (and constantly being on the move, on the go) is acclaimed in the world, reliance on Me produces abundant living in My kingdom. (huh, You're right. of course You are. I'm dependent on You whether I recognize it or not, so I may as well bask in the fact that You delight in taking care of me and giving me a rest) Thank Me for the difficulties in your life since they provide protection from the idolatry of self-reliance."

Thank you, Sarah Young, and Jesus.  The idolatry to self-reliance.  Hello NYC.  The idolatry of doing.  Hello Rachel Troublefield Nelson.  I have found during this time that I want to be DOING stuff pretty much always.  Going places, seeing people, working on things, moving, shaking, walking, doing, doing, doing.  This isn't a bad thing.  But many good things can become bad things if they become THE thing.  Listen, I like to relax, I do.  But when I have no choice but relax, suddenly it is my enemy.  I want to be able. To make the choice: do or not do and I would probably always do. 
     This isn't the sort of time-out I would have exactly chosen , I'm thinking more stranded with a bunch of my family and friends in a fully functioning all-inclusive resort in the Bahamas, BUT I DO trust that God is using this time to teach me something about myself.  Sometimes I need to take the pressure off of myself.  And right now, I can DO very little, so I may as well just  BE.  BE still and know that He is God; that He will fight for me and figure things out for me and heal me and take care of me, I need only BE still.  That He will defeat the DO Idol, if I will only let Him do His job.  The job that only He can do.  Be God.  Huh, what a concept.  Let God do what He does best: BE God.  

We are Human BE-ings, after all.  Not Human DO-ings. 

 

with Love, 
Rachel 

musing. . .

Jesus, You command us to turn the other cheek
But my heart gets hard
And my flesh is weak.

Jesus, You know that You are my desire
But my stomach ties knots
And my blood catches fire. 

I get angry
I come undone.
But my grace is Yours
And Your grace will overcome.  

 

 

-Rachel TN  

I am a fan of The Bachelorette

That's right people.  If you didn't already know I am a huge fan of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette series on the ABC channel.  It is a very guilty pleasure that I only feel guilty about during the months the show is not on.  Because once the show is back on, I'm in.  I'm hooked.  I am Facebooking and Tweeting and Instagramming all the dramatic goodness and I am guilt-free.  

Last night was the season finale (part 2) of The Bachelorette starring Desiree who got kicked off on Sean's season. I have to say, she wasn't my favorite bachelorette--Emily was.  But I still watched and still enjoyed myself and my friends and my glasses of wine.  Last night I was not in New York but in my hometown of Greenville, South Carolina (where I currently am) so I did not get to watch it with my usual Bachelorette crew.  Instead, after a delicious meal of fajitas and guacamole at my favorite local Mexican restaurant, I dove into the drama with my sister who hates it when I squeal, my mom who was smiling dreamily at the TV, my 93 year old grandmother who really couldn't care less, and my best friend Caroline who watched the wrong previous episode and although she think Brooks dresses really cute, didn't get the drama from the previous week where Brooks dumped Des in a turn of a events that we all saw coming. . .except for Des. 

Long story short is this: she was heartbroken by Brooks and said she was done.  But the heartbreak and the fact that Brooks was no longer an option cleared her mind and her heart.  She got rid of Drew, who could quite possibly be the best looking man to ever set foot in either of these series, first things first, broke his heart, and continued to see if she could force feelings with Chris.  Turns out she could and pretty soon those feeling weren't forced but fate and they got engaged in a tear fest.  Chris is super adorable and my sister is obsessed with him, but he's obsessed with Des.  Sucks for my sister but great for Des.   

Their moving to Seattle and I hope for their sakes that the tabloid mess will slow down sooner than later and they can actually have a successful relationship.  

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO EMILY AND JEF??  I still want to, no NEED to know.  

In other, 100% related news, Juan Pablo is the new Bachelor.  I didn't have any real opinion on him, except for the fact that he's super attractive--but that's not opinion: it's fact. I might not be as invested as I was this time (who am I kidding?!) but I'll definitely watch.  Looking forward to January!